Selfish

 

I've been having all of these feelings lately:

 "I'm not good enough.", "I'm not doing enough." "I'm disappointing people." 

 

Staying busy has been my life for a while, but this year it's been different, harder, more consuming.  I changed jobs, I started school again, I met an Amazing Man and it's been an Awesome adventure, but I've had to sacrifice a lot of things that I used to enjoy doing: hanging out with friends, going out randomly during the week to hang out, spending time with my family.  I've gone 3 months without hanging out with my bestie, I've been too busy to help friends out..... So I guess that makes me Selfish right?

 

 

Welcome to my Schedule:

 

5:45am:  Get up and start getting ready...Make coffee

 

6:20:  Hit the road for the 40 minute drive it takes me to get to school

 

7:05 - 2:30 :  Get to school, sign in, and set up for clients for the day if any, work on workbooks and other tasks

 

2:45:  Hit the road for the 40 minute drive back to town... sometimes getting stuck behind the slowest tractors ever....

 

3:45 Get to work early to change clothes and prepare for work mode.

 

4:00 - 9:30 or 10: Clock in and get to work, serve customer, wait tables, bus tables, closing procedures.

 

9:30 or 10:00: Drive home.

 

10:15 - 11:00:  Wind down, take a shower and go to bed.....

 

That is my Monday - Thursday schedule

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm lucky if I get Friday off completely and then I usually work Saturday night and Sundays are my main day off in which sometimes I clean, do laundry, or if I just want to do "me" stuff...

 

I don't really get that much free time, but when I do I want to either work on research for projects, work on projects, go on a daytrip out of town before my night shift, school work, read a book or watch a movie and if I'm lucky go swimming....

 

Those free moments are time for me to actually be alone.... I need those times.... because when I don't have those moments I get anxious....

 

Anxiety has been an issue for me for a while.... When you have so much on your plate with school, work, finances, lack of sleep, trying to figure out how it will all work out, how to be able to do all of the things that you love and be social at the same time.... the cracks begin to show... I get irritable easier, I want to sleep more, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, getting emotional...and my stomach issues flare up.... It's a constant struggle for me.... sometimes I even have panic attacks...and only a select few people have ever seen those....

 

That's me being Selfish....

 

and I'm about to get even more Selfish..... I want to get back to making again and I'm focusing some of that free time on getting back into it again...  If you follow me on Instagram or Twitter or my Facebook.... I'm working on building my drawing skills back up, purchasing new supplies..... I'm getting ready for some creative opportunities.... Within the next few months I'll be doing some live demoing, making some new pieces: paintings, prints, drawings, etc...

 

 

So, while my social media may look like Sunshine, Rainbows, Beauty Products, Food, Delicious Beer etc.  I'm Human.... I'm flawed.... and I have issues.....just like everyone else...

 

Heather